I’m having a real absurd day at the office when I find a friend of mine, a real good superior in my opinion, sits in some melancholic body language, destroying papers and documents. The paper-shredder buzzes and tears papers into pieces like a vacuum cleaner sucks dust of joy. I know him as a man full of smile, even in worst conditions. He can put down fire of agony with his smile and calmness. But that night all of that power seems to disappear with the contents of the papers he destroyed.
So I come into his chamber and sit.
He shares his feeling.
I’m feeling him.
I feel his disappointment. I feel his anger, anger which is repressed. It’s painful indeed.
It’s painful for me just to listen to him. He is telling me about how he becomes so numb for the company, his second home for the last 13 years. Yes, it’s 13 years. When he stepped his foot in this company for the first time, my pubic hair probably haven’t completely grown yet. And now he says that he’s leaving this place without any regret, like he was just stopping by. That expression really shows how deep the wound is. As he tells me about his feelings, his hands keep sorting papers and documents. I help him to move mountains of paper-trash into red trash bag in front of me, the emotion transfers as the time goes by.
Suddenly he stops. He is looking at an envelope, silent for a moment. No sound. He pull a letter from it, and he hands it over to me as he says, “This is useless now.” I read it. It’s a letter of notification of his achievement as group head or something I can’t recall. I just remember that he is being noticed as one of group head with best performance, and being rewarded Rp 3.000.000 for that. I’m not focusing on the letter, his expression is more interesting for me, and it is horrible. So I return the letter. He looks at it for a moment and says “This is nothing,” and feeds it into the paper-shredder. The envelope is the next. I almost drop my tears experiencing that moment.
I feel anger too now. Probably it is accumulation of distresses I have experienced lately. The feeling of being treated unfairly and the emotion of being creatively-raped controls my consciousness. This is not fair. A few lyrics fly by. “I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter,” Linkin Park is shouting. “I love the place where I live, but I hate the people in charge,” Immortal Technique raps in my mind. “Where’s the love?” Black Eyed Peas sings virtually.
So he finishes the painful activity by saying, “This is the awful job I’d never finish,” as he holds a paper. It looks like a list from behind. “I have to discharge these people, and I never accept the responsibility. I never finish the job, and I will never will.” I feel great disappointment and great relieve come at the same time from the way he says that. He looks at me in a glance, and I response the fastest way I could by saying, “I’d rather not to know the information, sir.” So he put it into the paper-shredder and witnesses the list gone away.
He packs his things and asks me to help him to carry some of his stuffs. I walk him to his car. As we walking he says “If you want to graduate the life lessons, you have to be tested. I’ll consider this as a test of my life. I wish you all the very best, boy.” I look at him and response, “That don’t kill can make you stronger, sir. Wish u all the best too. Good luck, brother.” And he goes into his car and leaves the parking lot.
These are his few last days in the company, after his resignation, and he will walk through it full of disappointment but without any regret. I recognize him as a good man, and I will still know him that way. I still think he deserves better for sure.
So I look at myself and conclude: the shits are too much to handle at this point, while more shits are coming.